Wow.. this is STILL here. it's like the grandmother of online blogging. When people tell me they have a blogspot or blogger.. I look at the screen and scratch my head. Seriously.. LiVEJOURNAL is the one and only for me!

Anyway, this isn't a long entry. I figure I shall ease myself into this because i have a yearning to starting blogging again. My youtube phase is slowly evaporating, I will make videos every now and then, but otherwise I have plenty to spill out into this LJ of mine. Afterall, this LJ has been a home to many rants, sad entries and useless and long winded thoughts... and i have enjoyed looking back on what i was like when i was well ah.. 15 years old! 8 years on.. and here I am.

I think by the time I do my next entry.. I'll have culled everyone on my friends list. I'm starting over! It's almost like Season 5 of Desperate Housewives. haha. Ok.. well that's all for now.

Oh.. i live out of home and am living with a housemate! :D Been so since Nov last year! There you go.. just a little taste of what's been happenin. hahaha.

Over.

I feel sad.
Does there have to be a reason for me feeling sad?
Well I think at the moment, there's a few. But are those the reasons for why I feel sad right now?
I don't think so. Maybe. I'm not sure.
But perhaps i'm fooling myself into believing that those aren't the reasons. And maybe I'm just making myself believe that it isn't because I would rather hide away from it, rather than face it. So... i can't face them. Why? Well.. one reason.. I find that those reasons are ones I've been thinking alot about. Fairly much for the last 5 or so months. And it's consuming. It consumes my mind and in turn I feel like it also consumes my life.

I am at a point where I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. Ok. I think I can. It's just breaking point though. It's stretching me to my limits. And who can I blame? No one. No one but myself because I have the power to take myself out of this situation. It's in my hands to make myself move on. But i do not. Because I fear that I may miss out on something that I have yet to have experienced. I fear that it's a decision that cannot be undone. Though i know all of this, i don't do a thing. I just sit here and i do not budge, unable to move because of these fears.

That... makes me feel weak.

I want to cry. But i've shed alot of tears this year. More than I have ever in any other year of my life. There's no exaggeration in that. The aching I feel inside makes me feel like I should be crying because it hurts and I feel like crud.

I don't even know what I can do anymore to get myself into a position of being strong. I thought I was getting there. Perhaps this is just an off day. Or off couple of days. I need to pick myself up and be strong again. I need to be able to learn how to cope with life and what it deals me. I've done it in my teenage years quite well and I just have to remember that it does get better. My life hasn't been so drama like than the way it has been in the past 6 months.

I love two people. How is that even possible?
I need a break.

(sigh)

Mmm. Good Chai. I literally mmmed after that last sip of my Chai Vanilla tea. It's honestly a sensual combination for the taste buds. A mix of warm fuzzies and a tiny jolt of spice right at the tip of my tongue [ooh johnny diesel!]. I really like it. It's enough to content me for this semi peaceful moment before midnight. And content is a good thing at this mo.

As i type and cycle through chat windows, web browsers and this currently Untitled - Notepad, I think about things and i find my contentness is only but an in and out fading guise, sort of like a.. what's the phrase? ah.. smokescreen. Yes. I think that's what i was thinking of [thanks Bretti]. I feel unsettled.. uneasy.. not quite right. Not all of my mental capacity is there right now. If drawn in a diagram of a stereotypical cow, the black squiggle spots wouldn't be on. Though just to clear that up, my mental capacity isn't literally black squiggle spots. And yes... ah, [spot the delirious guy!..], moving right along..

I don't think i can find enough energy to finish off this entry. Basically, the reason for my not-quite-right feeling is that mum is in hospital tonight. Nothing serious serious.. but they're not quite sure what it is yet... might be appendicitis [sp?] or stones or something. She's hooked up onto a drip though, which is good since she couldn't keep anything down... as she had gasto-enthritis [sp?]. I just feel really weird that she isn't here at home in her bedroom, in her bed, asleep. And yes, she's just been sick since Saturday. so ah... like i said, supposedly nothing serious, but i still can't help but be a worry bump [i don't like warts :P].

Sleep is excellent on my agenda for what to do next. I shall enter a land of quixotic'ness and forgettable-in-2-seconds-once-i'm-awake characters. I know i'll feel a little better tomorrow morning.

I'm at Brett's house tonight, he's currently trying to figure out this AI thing that we made a little while earlier. It's kinda scary looking... sort of like a scorpion. At the moment, it's just beeping and making sounds that you would similarly hear from a birthday card that sings polyphonic tunes. :)

Anyway, had a little bit of a tiff with mum earlier this evening. It sometimes feels like she doesn't even really care how certain things may affect Rachel and I, such as having Mike stay over on a monday night even though his daughter Andrea is sick and the main reason why he is over is because he was interstate the whole weekend. It's really sad that they can't even wait for this upcoming weekend for him to stay over and actually prove that they can actually have one weekend apart. Having Andrea over is sometimes a little suffocating to the fact that I can't really feel comfortable in my own space. We all haven't moved into one house as of yet, so it still feels like my space. It's just a matter of comfortability, which I wasn't feeling, so I tell mum how I feel and her retaliation is that she can't do anything about it. I just think it's thoughtless that she didn't think how I would feel having her in the house again. That's what it is like her and Mike... "Lets do something together.. don't mind the kids, we can just lump them together and they can have fun with each other"... :P ERRRRRRRRRRRGh. it just annoys me so much thinking about that.

well well... Brett's given up with this AI thing so we're about to head to bed.

YaY for being-annoyed-at-a-family-member-entries. :)

If there is one film that you just have to see this year... it's got to be Little Miss Sunshine.

It isn't a story of which its plot follows every other dysfunctional family movie, there's just something different about it, which truly makes you feel part of the family... like you are right there with them. There is no doubt that you would at least have one of these members in your own true family. It was truly one of the best movies I have seen and I don't know why I just connected with this film the way I had when I watched it... I guess... it just really made me feel. I laughed. I shared a tear. I wanted to be part of this family.

-----
Praise for the actors/actresses

I loved Toni Collette. She brought such warmth and kind-heartedness with a very down to earth feel to the film. Highly respected. I have grown to really like her as an actress looking back on the films she has chosen to do, but of those of which I have seen. Oh, but I haven't seen that one with Cameron Diaz, and I don't really want to.. but other than that, she's awesome!

It was also great to see Steve Carell take on a different role from his usual humour (The Office, 40yr Old Virgin) and he did it superbly. It did make me think about the hospital's diagnosis on his character, not that it was directly stated, but I find that they were over-enthused about his condition and that he was most likely just very depressed about what had happened and nonetheless was just going through a very big rough patch. Indeed a great actor.

And little Abigail Breslin, I recognised immediately from Signs, and is still the cutest child actress ever. Though she does look much more grown up from when I last saw her in Signs, her acting abilities still astounded me and I was just hanging to see what her character was going to do/say next. So cute.

Paul Dano, I also recognised but couldn't really tell where from... but after checking out Wikipedia, it clicked in my head that he was one of the geek friends of the main character in The Girl Next Door. He's also starring in Fast Food Nation, which from its preview tonight, looks quite good as well. Not such a bad actor; very convincing on his character, excellent.

Last I will comment on is Greg Kinnear, also to be seen in FFN... he's a good actor that probably isn't mentioned as much, but I was very annoyed by his character, which meant that he did a great job. His character was actually the one family member of which I believe is similar to my mum's partner. Not to go on a tangent, but it doesn't mean I'm always annoyed at my mum's partner, but he definitely can grate my nerves into very fine shreds.

-----

This film was well told and it has definitely squeezed into my top 5 list. Crazy huh? I recommend anyone who has a heart, to go see it. Heck, all you zombies should go see it too. It's just so funny in a very different and unique way. I love it to bits. Yes. Ok, well you can now officially call me Big Film Geek.

Today at work after counting the stock at the back and then getting back onto the floor, my workmate Rachel asked me what was the colour of the underwear I was wearing. ahm.. ah.. navy blue I replied.  I looked down and lifted up my shirt to double check if I was correct and showed Rachel a small part of my boxer shorts. She then went on to let me know that I was entitled to a free small yoghurt from the Yoghurt Shop as they were giving away free yoghurts to people who was wearing blue underwear. I looked at her for a second like as if she had just said something ludicrous like I'm hiding Osama Bin Laden in my backyard and sometimes we like to play tea parties and dressups... [man, i'm so weird..!] And then I questioned her like as if she had made the whole thing up. She continued to explain a customer had walked in and told her about the apparent promotion that the Yoghurt Shop was having and only she was the one who was eating yoghurt while her friend had a Wendys icecream. I was sceptical about it and even so, my shift finished when the whole of the shopping mall would close and I didn't think I'd get a chance to even find out for myself. However... at the end of my shift, when I was walking through the mall towards my exit, I noticed that the Yoghurt Shop next to the Express McDonalds was still open and I decided to buy a flake yoghurt. I then proceded to ask if there was such a thing as having blue underwear can get me a free yoghurt. As silly as a promotion and though not wanting to participate in one of those things that people will do anything stupid or silly just to get something out of it, I ended up lifting the side of my shirt and showing her the top part of my navy boxers. 'What other flavour did you want?' she asked. I got a caramel crunch yoghurt for my efforts.

That brings me to something I thought of when I was eating it 10 minutes previous. I was enjoying the delicious caramel taste and it reminded me of the term 'caramelise', which is more than often used in cooking shows when the cook is making something sweet and/or dessert-like. For some reason, I just love hearing the word 'caramelise'. It's like giving my mind mini-thought-mind-orgasms [haha] if that's what I'd call it when I hear that. It then brought me to think of other words or phrases that gives me thought-mind-orgasms even though the words or phrases are as plain, simple and mundane as any other. Here is a list of what i can think of at the moment:

The "Words or phrases that gives me Mini-Thought-Mind-Orgasms" List:
¤ Caramelise
¤ Padlock
¤ Cogito Ergo Sum
¤ the japanese way of adding the affix of "kun" at the end of any guys name... such as Brettikun
¤ Tangy
¤ Paradigm
¤ Grandiose

And yes.. I'll just add anymore when they come to mind.

I think i'll end up getting James a bottle of Beam for this birthday. Christine said it'd be the best bet. I wanted to get something more useful or handy such as some kind of homeware, as Christine said he likes homeware. I'd hate to get him something he didn't like though and I don't know him enough to know whether he'd like it or not. So yes. It's the loser's way out, but I have run out of time and haven't got any other chance to browse the stores since I'm working 12 til close tomorrow. Before his party I have Stephanie's birthday dinner at the Queen's Head and after his party, I'll be heading out with Chris into town. Not sure where we'll go, but it should be an alright night.

mmm... time for sleep.

Rachel wasn't feeling too well so we skipped the whole going to Marion deal and instead opted to rent some dvds to watch in the comfort and ease of our own home. We rented Scary Movie 4 [i'd already seen it with Brett, but I knew she wanted to see it] and American Dreamz, which I wanted to get because for some unknown to man reason, I wanted to actually watch it despite the fact that it stars Hugh Grant. It actually wasn't too bad  for a C-Grade kinda film, yet it had a bit of an abrupt and strange ending though.

I also got my head mowed. Thinned, as I said and it def makes a diff since it's not all bulky and boofy anymore. I wonder how much longer I can push through without having a shorter haircut, which tended to be the usual norm, but for a change I've actually been growing my hair for the past couple of months. I have no idea how it'll turn out, but I can always shave it if it's one of those ah Johnee, did a giant tarrantula die on your head.. oh wait, that's ok, it's just your hair... I just want to see how much I can endure before I run to Zac, my hairdresser and just yell at him to chop it all off.

I've actually talked about this with Heath, one of the guys I work with, about hairstyles and how they're pretty much a big part of an individual. It's definitely one of the first things I notice and is part of what impacts on the initial physical impression of a person. Unlike being able to swap your nose for a prosthetic one like Michael Jackson or the shape of your face/head [unless you change your diet and ie: put on weight for a rounder face or lose weight to define your jaw], your hair is one thing you can easily change. I actually find it one thing that can also change the total appearance of anybody. It can turn someone unnattractive, to being decent. It can make someone look cute. It can speak out a certain language visually. It's interesting. Yes. Hair. Ha, and end paragraph.

And also...



Though you can't really see it in the photos... it has a digital lookin' face behind the hands, which do cool animations for the seconds that go by. It's uber special. I love it!

For the past 10 minutes I have sat here, wanting to update my journal. Hands hovering above the keyboard ready to type.. and then down on my lap. And then a second later back upon the keyboard and a couple of seconds later being repeated with the back down onto my lap action. What to type... I have a numerous amount to say, the thoughts begging to be busted out of my mind and onto the screen yet I don't feel the need to record those thoughts. For some reason I'm restraining myself from typing out a whole bunch of random blabber as I usually do, which sorta sucks because I always find it interesting when I read it later in the future. And yeah, I guess I'm contradicting myself here since.. well here you have it! ha. ok, well yay for that!

Anyway, the reason as to why I have decided to make my journal friends only is because there are a few people out there of whom I just don't want reading my journal. It's not directed at them as the reason isn't so I can freely write about them without them knowing. I just simply don't want them knowing what's going on in my life and basically just the thoughts I decide to record on here. That's pretty much it. In particular, there is ONE person who has apparently become a foe in my life. It's funny because I wouldn't even really use the term 'foe' for anyone... and I haven't really done anything wrong to this person. I've simply said a few things in a light-hearted way, which really aren't offensive or attacking, but this person has decided to take it that way and it actually really amuses me and makes me smile. Because it's freakin' pathetic and actually re-affirms what I think of them; a self-involved individual who feeds off people's attention to better his-self [ooooooh yes, surprise surprise it's a guy] in his own mind without true regards to any of his actual attention providers. There is no one who he really cares about except for himself. And though at first, it seemed quite comical the way he would convey it, which meant I wouldn't ever take him seriously and just laugh with him... I realised from his lack of care and attention towards me, that he's actually a complete toolbag who is just full of putrid air and gas. And when I say that it really amuses me with the way he handles things, believe me, whatever he may say now, I can't ever take him seriously and therefore nothing he says can offend me or make me feel angered or upset.

If you're already a friend of mine on livejournal, there is no need to reply to the previous post... you'd just need to be logged into your account to read my entries.

So yes. That is all for now. I'm shleeepy as.

Ok, well not really that much.. but yay for Ebay!!! It's probably going to be on our shelves any time soon but this was waiting for me in the mailbox after coming home from work today! :)



Freakin' A! Heading out tonight with B and the girlies... not sure where to, but we'll find somewhere to boogie i'm sure.