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oh hai there. I have an inkling feeling to want to start posting regularly again. yes. will it happen? probably not, so i'm not going to promise anything :)

that is all for now.

anyone who still reads this.. please say hai! :D

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34 weeks ago? Wow...

well it's 3:18am. God only knows why I'm up. Well.. that and the internet. Oh loving internet. If it weren't for you, I'd probably get more than 8 hours of sleep a night. If it weren't for you, I'd know less overseas friends. If it weren't for you, I'd not be up to date with TV shows being aired in America only to seeing them less than a day later, rather than 2 weeks (baha cos 2 weeks is long these days!). But yes, alas, I have watched the latest episodes of both Glee and Gossip Girl and hence why I am up. I was even contemplating watching the latest episode of Heroes.. i have it all here ready to watch, but i figure I should go to bed.

I've had this journal since the year 2000. It's almost double figures... not long now! My gosh. It's been ages. I wonder how all of my other entries have survived in this evergrowing space. How is there even enough space for everything that goes on, online?! it's a bizarre thought, which matches my thinking, which clarifies how delirious i am at this time of the day. Sleeepp!! ok. Gotta go.

Johnee

Overthinking is my middle name.

If i could bottle up the sea breeze, i would take it over to your house and pour it loose through the garden...so the hinges on your windows would rust and colour like the boats pulled up on the sand for the Summer...

oh Josh Pyke is a lyrical genius. The power of words...  I love how just hearing the right combination of words in the right order can make you feel emotions that bring you back to certain memories or even just mini moment fantasies that you never would have even thought of. 

This week has been better than the last. But if I retold what happened at the end of last week, you could probably see that any week would be better! Lets just say that it consisted of a lot of tears, mis-understandings and a lack of co-operation. I have since relaxed alot more and I have somehow managed to make sure I've got my thoughts of "worry" under control and have just sat back a lot more, trying to just let things be, see how things roll and pan out. Sometimes if in doubt, that is one of the best things to do... right? 

I can't help that I am a curious person who asks many things when I am unsure or generally interested in just knowing. I tend to overthink and what's worse is that I know it. When you know you do something like that or morseo involuntarily do something like that, it's extremely frustrating to know that you can't really change it. How can you stop yourself from overthinking about something? Thoughts are just there... and they always will be. There are ways of course to minimise it or different approaches as I have already mentioned, such as relaxing more and just letting things be.. but sometimes you can't control it.

Overthinking has put me in a negative light, seeing negative things and just well.. being a lot more negative. As bad as it is, I think many people tend to set themselves up for negative outcomes in the hopes of "softening the blow", making sure it won't "hurt as much" when the negative outcome actually occurs. I do that. I know my mum does that. I know my sister does that too. Maybe it's just in my family? But i think alot of people would think that. What's worse is I know that it's not a good thing to do. Being positive and then being let down is SO MUCH BETTER than being negative and then being let down.... i think it's better to be Optimistic. Harder to do.. but better. Because as "OK" you may think you feel if you were negative and then let down... you would feel EFFING FANTASTIC if you were optimistic and weren't let down. It boosts your morale completely. If you're let down, you just pick yourself back up again and work on having a tougher shield. It's how you get strong emotionally. You need to develop this strength in order to defeat the negative side of all things. So it's like.. why can I think these things but then still feel negative? 

I don't know. I can see the problem, but I can't seem to fix it. I'm trying.. but sometimes I'll just overthink. I'm learning that I'll have to just deal with that and find a way to just subdue the thoughts into something not so important.

I still see that this does not make any sense to those who read and not know the complete story. But that is ok. I'm still sharing my thoughts and that's what I need to do to get it out of my system. It helps :)

Whether I can get myself out of this spot is not a question anymore. I can do it. I just need time and more answers. I'm going to get myself out of this rut and I'm going to be awesome at doing it!

Easter weekend coming up! :)

Over.



Unsaid Problem.

Tonight was emotional. I am in a weird spot right now. I'm not sure what I should be doing to get myself into a better position, but I think I just have to let thoughts rest in my head for the meantime, because at the moment they are all floating and colliding into each other, probably arguing and shouting at each other too.... yes.. that's exactly how my thoughts react inside my head! All you need to do is just give them a chair and a boxing ring and you'll have a close representation to WWE (?) Wrestling. Yup. 

So... just because something is currently, how can I put it??.. um.. currently pretty crappy (yay for my wonderful use of vocabulary here)... but you know that it's normally a fun, vibrant and more positive thing... do you wade it out and wait for it to untangle and get better? Or do you try to fix it? Or do you just leave it all together cos who wants to keep themselves in a negative situation for any amount of time?! UGGGHGHGHGHGH. this is what's frustrating. I'm so vague right now, but I cannot for the life of me, explain the situation right now. I also feel very vulnerable by exposing it all here... there's been many accounts on which I realise I should keep more to myself than revealing to the online world on LJ. BUT i will reveal when i am comfy. That's the point right?! >_<

Anyway, I've taken next Monday and Tuesday off... and I didn't realise Good Friday was next week too.. so i'll have only 2 days of work next week! SAH-WEET. oh gosh. i'll never type that again like that. or just type that at all. eek!

Over.

Why hello, it's been awhile...

So I was going through all the userpics I have on this LJ and I'm not sure whether I can be bothered updating them. It almost feels like a Spring cleaning. But in order to delete, I'd have to replace.. so I shall let them be for the time being. I've updated the default one for now. (Wahoo for stating the obvious!)

Well, first off.. if I have not officially mentioned it, I'm now posting from the likes of my 24 Inch iMac. It's changed my life. Seriously it has. Whenever I use a PC now, it doesn't feel right. Have i become a PC snob? I wouldn't say that necessarily, but I have definitely converted to iMacs. It was inevitable that I'd have since I'm a graphic designer.

That brings me to the next point. I'm still at Screencheck (refer to 4th previous entry), which is good because having the full time job has allowed me to be able to move out of home. I'm living fairly much a 5 minute drive from the city, which has many advantages! Shall I list them? Uh. Just closer to things I do in my social life? haha. I won't list them. :) Screencheck however is not located there, which is a 20 minute drive including traffic in the mornings.

Now.. about me. Well a little about me. I will add dashes of information in entries to come, but lets just begin with the basics. Especially if i'm somewhat re-introducing who I am! 

I am now 23 years old. I moved out of home last year in November 08 & now live in a home(ette)-[with bonus outdoor atrium! WOO!] with my friend Chad.

Mum and my sis are currently not living together, Mum with her boyfriend/(recently become fiancee) Mike and Rachel with her dad. I think there are current talks about whether Rachel will be moving in with mum soon.

As for my work, I am still at Screencheck, but I am working on getting my own website up. This will have my online portfolio and logos, posters, etc... I am aiming to get that done by April 20th. We'll see how it goes!

I still have my youtube channel, http://www.youtube.com/user/johneepixels7 and for some reason, even though I don't post as many videos as of late, people keep subscribing. If you want to watch lame-ness at it's finest.. go ahead!!

Personality wise.. i'm pretty much still outgoing, friendly, bouncy and optimistic (as much as I can). I have of course over the years, developed a sense of maturity.. but the one thing that hasn't changed as much is my emotional feelings. I have been able to learn how to deal with things much more better than previous, but I'm still an emotional being. I'm open about things too. Wow, it must sound like as if I've had many emotional problems in the past, but I haven't... just stating that I'm still full of emotions. haha. PERFECT for a livejournal right?! Just minus the teen angst. Lets just call it early adult angst. haha. ok maybe not. But yeah, I'm all good!

Relationship front.. well.. my relationship with Brett ended last year. 3 years and 8 months. I say 4 years to make it easier to say.. but lets just say it was a very intense 2008. There were many things I wasn't proud of what I had done, but it's gotten me here to where I am now (how cliche!) and as well as that, we all learn from the mistakes we've made.. correct?! I think so. Currently we're not talking to each other but a break may somewhat be something that we may need. As for any other guys in my life... YES. I am in a relationship with a guy named Troy. It's actually occurring to me at this current moment as I type, how open I can allow myself to get on this site. I will keep things to the minimum and expand on info when i want. But anyway, Troy is someone that I will keep a little more discreet about. This is not because I think it will jinx anything by saying it, but moreso because I want to keep alot of this info more to myself. Questions will be tolerated but will only be answered if I'm comfortable!!! :)

That is all i can think of at the moment. I hope that satisfies well for a "I'm Back" entry! I have a feeling that I'll be updating at least 1-3 times a week. Well i'll try my best anyway and won't promise anything!

So You Think You Can Dance Australia is on right now.. so that is my sign to finish!

Over.

The Rebirth..? Perhaps...

Wow.. this is STILL here. it's like the grandmother of online blogging. When people tell me they have a blogspot or blogger.. I look at the screen and scratch my head. Seriously.. LiVEJOURNAL is the one and only for me!

Anyway, this isn't a long entry. I figure I shall ease myself into this because i have a yearning to starting blogging again. My youtube phase is slowly evaporating, I will make videos every now and then, but otherwise I have plenty to spill out into this LJ of mine. Afterall, this LJ has been a home to many rants, sad entries and useless and long winded thoughts... and i have enjoyed looking back on what i was like when i was well ah.. 15 years old! 8 years on.. and here I am.

I think by the time I do my next entry.. I'll have culled everyone on my friends list. I'm starting over! It's almost like Season 5 of Desperate Housewives. haha. Ok.. well that's all for now.

Oh.. i live out of home and am living with a housemate! :D Been so since Nov last year! There you go.. just a little taste of what's been happenin. hahaha.

Over.

I don't even know anymore..

I feel sad.
Does there have to be a reason for me feeling sad?
Well I think at the moment, there's a few. But are those the reasons for why I feel sad right now?
I don't think so. Maybe. I'm not sure.
But perhaps i'm fooling myself into believing that those aren't the reasons. And maybe I'm just making myself believe that it isn't because I would rather hide away from it, rather than face it. So... i can't face them. Why? Well.. one reason.. I find that those reasons are ones I've been thinking alot about. Fairly much for the last 5 or so months. And it's consuming. It consumes my mind and in turn I feel like it also consumes my life.

I am at a point where I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. Ok. I think I can. It's just breaking point though. It's stretching me to my limits. And who can I blame? No one. No one but myself because I have the power to take myself out of this situation. It's in my hands to make myself move on. But i do not. Because I fear that I may miss out on something that I have yet to have experienced. I fear that it's a decision that cannot be undone. Though i know all of this, i don't do a thing. I just sit here and i do not budge, unable to move because of these fears.

That... makes me feel weak.

I want to cry. But i've shed alot of tears this year. More than I have ever in any other year of my life. There's no exaggeration in that. The aching I feel inside makes me feel like I should be crying because it hurts and I feel like crud.

I don't even know what I can do anymore to get myself into a position of being strong. I thought I was getting there. Perhaps this is just an off day. Or off couple of days. I need to pick myself up and be strong again. I need to be able to learn how to cope with life and what it deals me. I've done it in my teenage years quite well and I just have to remember that it does get better. My life hasn't been so drama like than the way it has been in the past 6 months.

I love two people. How is that even possible?
I need a break.

(sigh)
I sit here scratching uncontrollably at my eczema (eww I hear you think, yes, ewwww cos it's itching like mad, but don't worry i've stopped because I'm now occupying my hands with the delightful task of typing this entry). I also just stopped to put some cream on it. lol. it sounds like whip cream when you just look at the word "cream" but anyway, this is totally starting off in the most random way possible.

I have not posted an entry in like 9 weeks as the new (newer than when i last saw it) home page of livejournal tells me. I like that little piece of informant'ness (wha? yuh). I find it interesting. It felt like much much longer, but 2 months is not too bad I guess. Sort of. Well yeah, when you think about it.

I should probably inform a little bit of the hot diggity of what's been happenin' in my life. Of course in the shortest way possible because I tend to scale paragraphs into chapters and chapters into novel-length stories and so forth... so ah, I guess I'll start with...

...my job. I have since left Trims on September 30th. My last day was a Sunday. I quietly rejoiced at the fact that I would no longer have to deal with cruddy customers who squeal with every chance they get because they don't have the capabilities of functioning in a 'norm' humanistic way. I don't think a lot of them even know what a smile is. And heck, they're human for gees sakes! I.. me.. MYSELF.. I'M A FREAKIN' CUSTOMER TOO, a consumer just as much as they are and you don't see me walking into clothes stores, shoving my nose as high as it can get and then pointing down at my feet expecting the sales assistants to give my kicks a lick. Whashhhhh ish da deal with that? and why am I spelling like an idiot?

Two weeks previous to my Trims job due date, I began working at a new place named Screencheck. There, I earn my living by designing cards. Plastic cards. That is what Screencheck produces. So the quick dealio with them is: loyalty cards, gift cards, ID cards, membership cards, hotel key cards, stuff like that. The list goes on. I enjoy it quite a lot. The people are nice, actually a little too nice {suspicion arouses} and the days are more frequently faster paced in a "i'm just-a concentrating and designing on this computer and wow look it's already 1pm!" sorta way. So i'm quite happily chuffed about it!

I have also dipped into my pockets to fork out, actually nothing.. so I financed a 24month interest free deal at JB-HiFi to get myself a... darrrrummm rollll.... iMAC! 24inch screen. 2.8GHZ of stuff. I have no idea what the specs really mean but it's meant to be the top o' the range, super fast, 500gig hardrive imac around. For now anyway. And it's basically a TV as well! woooooo a hooo hoo!! Supposedly will still be super good even in 4 years when the newer versions come out. So YaY! I unfortunately don't have it yet as they had to order it in for me. But but but, it should be in my house within the next couple of days (i ordered it almost 2 weeks ago and they said 2 weeks at the most!). My mind has been thinking about it pretty much non-stop the past 2 days as I know the day of arrival is drawing ever so near. SO FREAKIn' excited!!!

Look at that. I said the updates will be short but they have turned into paragraphs.

though there are still plenty of other stuff i wanted to mention: (bought a new digi cam-Lumix-sexy-7.2mp, going to Perth for the Southbound music festival and spending 3 weeks there with friends-leaving on Xmas night!, i am currently mini-obsessed with cheese spread. eww i know. but it should hopefully pass soon!)....

I have been Vlogging too. On YouTube. Post me or message me if you want the channel. Please don't post the link anywhere though if I give it to you. And ah, yeah Facebook man. I don't get how these internet addictions suck people in. Well yeah, i know i'm in it too but far out!

:)

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Marco.

Hello. It's been a while, but I'm still breathing. Actually, a long drawn out breath literally escaped my mouth just then... it's 12:49am and I will have to awaken in 7 hours to preparise for work. Trims work. But yes, much about muchness has happened in my life since that last entry in the far far distance, which is probably a million miles away. I've decided to just type out such things in a non-lineal format, perhaps not even all in this one entry... maybe I'll have flashback entries or something? hehehe.

Flashbacks? Who mentioned flashbacks? Oh well, might as well bring out that one as an apetiser. ha. Only recently i exposed myself to the first episode of "Lost", which then became my mini-obsession occupying my mentality from mid July to mid August. I literally and randomly brought it up in conversation with friends, whos' reaction was once-upon-a-time the way I reacted whenever someone had asked if I ever watched "Lost"; a shake of the head and ah, "Nahhhh.. why would i?" And seriously, it is damn-fareekingly-addictive. The whole initiation of the whole Lost-obsession process began when I was in JBs and saw they had this Buy-2-dvd-boxsets-get-the-third-free and I had grabbed Desperate Housewives S1 and randomly That 70's Show S3.. and I just figured that i would have to literally force myself to watch Lost if I got it and it would be a good way to just see what it was all about. As well as that, I could never just start watching it on Tv as I had an idea that season 3 was then currently airing. After having the dvds sit in my living room untouched for about a couple of weeks, I then watched the first 4 episodes on disc 1... and from there, I was enduced. Completely immobile during one day off from work, I watched half a day's worth of episodes, then sooner realising I would need to purchase season 2 much sooner than I thought, as I knew I would hate to be left on the first season's finale cliffhanger. Having no commercials is absolutely brilliant and I realised that I would not have any patience watching it as an actual tv broadcast. The whole Lost-obs had it's downs too as I realised I wasn't doing any graphicd work at home... too distracted with the thought that I could be watching and catching up with the rest of the seasons. I am glad to say that I have now caught up and life has resumed to somewhat some kind of normality and I know that I can't really obsess any more about it until season 4 returns next year. Two words to sum up this entire paragraph.. ME. NERD.

Though I don't want to further concrete that I'm a complete and total nerd, I just want to devote this paragraph to other recent nerdy occurrences regarding me so I can just get it out of the way! The Buffyverse has returned in comic form... continuing from the end of the last season on television, Joss Whedon had decided to name the series as Season 8. Pounding with excitement i was as I bought the first and so-far released 5 comics...and also happy to say that Joss has written the scripts and such, still containing that familiar Buffyness that I was very much obsessed with as a high schoolian. As well as that, for my 22nd birthday a present from a wonderful group of friends entailed a large sum of dosh to contribute towards my buying of a Macbook Pro. Only this previous week as I was looking at them in David Jones with Bretti, a discussion took place that it might be more advantageous and not to mention much cheaper to buy just a new iMac... and how freakin' rad is the fact that I'll be getting one with a screen size of 28 (i think) inches!!! Gasp-a-rama. Can't wait.


Other mini obsessions I've had of late...

Okgo
Jem
grilled cheese toast
buying new tees



I registered myself a business name. Pixel Breakfast. it was originally Edible Pixels... however, the day I was going to register it we also had to come up with an alternate name in case I wouldn't be able to and I just wanted it to be just as good. I then ended up liking the latter slightly more... it was a little dilemma realising I had created a problem for myself rather than a back-up plan, but though I was torn between two names, I had to go with my gut feeling. And well, breakfast kinda ends up in my gut anyway.. so yeah. Ha, nah, that's not how i went with it.. it was just something I felt a little more passion for. Anywho, i'm on the very edge of finishing the logo, which I will then be able to being making my website from. I have a temp "coming soon" and temp logo up -which was created in 5 minutes hence it's vulgar visualness... but yes, www.pixelbreakfast.com will be the place to be. I'm aiming to launch the site mid September! So stay tuned for that one.


Things i'd like to mention that has happened but only in a small amount of words or less...

I'm now 22! Had bowling party.
Bretti and i have been together for 3years from today! [woot!]
Might be going to Perth for Southbound concert with Bretti.


Anyway, i am way too tired to be typing out anymore. A semi-epic entry hey Ryan?! lol. well I tried. Most stuff you already knew dude. hehe.

Adios readers. I shall try my hardest to keep updating more often.


Man.. that is freakin' weird. After pasting this into the browswer from Notepad, one of the advertisements to the side is about Buffy Season 8 in comics. Caarrraaazy. And i thought the world doesn't revolve around what I think. ha. {raises right eyebrow}

Smokescreeningness

Mmm. Good Chai. I literally mmmed after that last sip of my Chai Vanilla tea. It's honestly a sensual combination for the taste buds. A mix of warm fuzzies and a tiny jolt of spice right at the tip of my tongue [ooh johnny diesel!]. I really like it. It's enough to content me for this semi peaceful moment before midnight. And content is a good thing at this mo.

As i type and cycle through chat windows, web browsers and this currently Untitled - Notepad, I think about things and i find my contentness is only but an in and out fading guise, sort of like a.. what's the phrase? ah.. smokescreen. Yes. I think that's what i was thinking of [thanks Bretti]. I feel unsettled.. uneasy.. not quite right. Not all of my mental capacity is there right now. If drawn in a diagram of a stereotypical cow, the black squiggle spots wouldn't be on. Though just to clear that up, my mental capacity isn't literally black squiggle spots. And yes... ah, [spot the delirious guy!..], moving right along..

I don't think i can find enough energy to finish off this entry. Basically, the reason for my not-quite-right feeling is that mum is in hospital tonight. Nothing serious serious.. but they're not quite sure what it is yet... might be appendicitis [sp?] or stones or something. She's hooked up onto a drip though, which is good since she couldn't keep anything down... as she had gasto-enthritis [sp?]. I just feel really weird that she isn't here at home in her bedroom, in her bed, asleep. And yes, she's just been sick since Saturday. so ah... like i said, supposedly nothing serious, but i still can't help but be a worry bump [i don't like warts :P].

Sleep is excellent on my agenda for what to do next. I shall enter a land of quixotic'ness and forgettable-in-2-seconds-once-i'm-awake characters. I know i'll feel a little better tomorrow morning.

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